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I decided that I'm not going to worry about getting old...

Let me preface this by saying that I did have my moment of weakness...

It all started during the excitement of getting ready for my wedding, when I was getting regular facials. For some reason, you feel like when you are engaged that you need to be getting regular facials, manicures, hair highlights, etc., which seems rather silly now that I look back on it. Anyway, during one of my facials, my aesthetician (that is hard to say) was telling me about an exciting new treatment that they were offering. She goes on to say..................hold on, this is hard for me................She says................"It will help you get rid of all of these fine lines around your eyes and mouth!" (in an excited tone, while pointing out all the "fine lines" around my eyes and mouth in the 10x magnified mirror) .............................................................................My response: WHATTTT!?????!!!!!????!!!!!!!?????!!!!!! (internally, of course. On the outside I was all smiles and saying, "Oh, that sounds neat.")

Needless to say, I never went back there again. Those 10X magnified mirrors are no good for anyone. 


I was 25 years old at the time, and I am convinced that I have had the same "fine lines" since I was about 12. Unfortunately, as soon as she gave them the title "fine lines," there was no going back!

My theory is that it becomes so easy to just blame everything on, "Oh, I am just getting older." Age is so relative. I think you should always just consider yourself "young" compared to where you will be 10 or 20 years from now. This works whether you are 26, 36, 56, or 86.




This picture shows my "fine lines" at my wedding, a few months after "the incident." I think if I were to look at this picture 20 years from now and remember that I had stressed about wrinkles at this point (that's right, I said the 'W' word), I would travel back in time and smack my 25-year-old-self in the face!

My mom on her honeymoon in 1977

When I look at this picture of my mom on her honeymoon (about the same age as me now, give or take a few years), I think that she looks like such a baby!

Me on my honeymoon in 2009

And to think that I, at about this same age, looking almost identical to my mom on my own honeymoon, started to have a moment of weakness of feeling "old!" 

With all that being said, I will obviously start using wrinkle cream in a few years...you can never be too prepared...

"Dad, heer is a present just for the heck of it. Love, Ellen."

We recently visited my dad's office while in Lexington, and I found this on his shelves. It is an envelope holding a little heart that I made for him out of play-doh (now in about 15 little pieces). In case there was any question about what it was, I attached a sticky-note to it that reads, "Dad heer is a present just for the heck of it. Love, Ellen." I remember putting this together with my mom and being so excited for my dad to get home from work to see it! Mom, 20+ years later, I am a little embarrassed that you didn't make me fix my spelling error...

I also have a vivid memory of those elephant sticky-notes. If you recall, elephants used to be my favorite animal (that is, before the dreaded "National Geographic incident"--see my first post). I loved those sticky notes! I also vividly remember my "Ellen" stamp that I used to sign the envelope. I had a lot of fun with that stamp. There was never any question about what belonged to me in my household.

It's funny how the little things we do sometimes have the biggest effect on people. Who would have thought that my dad would keep this for 20+ years right on display in his office. I love my parents because they love me enough to keep old, crumbling bits of play-doh that I made for them "just for the heck of it."

I just hope they weren't quite as affected by all the bratty things I did, too...  

I think I can... I think I can!

When people ask you how you are, do you ever say anything other than "good!"? I never do.


This is Thomas the Tank Engine, in case you were wondering....
you will understand the symbolism later...

I was sitting at my desk today waiting for my co-worker to arrive, and I was imagining our initial conversation (don't ask me why). Just like every other day, he would undoubtedly put his things down on his desk and ask me (because he is so very nice and considerate), "So, how are you today?" I was contemplating what I would say, as I am feeling other than "good" today. Usually, I would simply go to my standard response, but I have caught myself in some situations thinking, "I just blatantly lied!"

I am wondering if the alternative would be better? To tell someone exactly how you are really feeling. But I think there is something to be said for your mind catching up to your actions. If you tell yourself or someone else that you are "good," your mind wants to be consistent with that behavior or response. That is what we psychologists call reducing "cognitive dissonance." This is why self-confidence is so important for success at anything.

Let's take dance for example. If I, myself, believe that I am a great dancer, I will work to make my actions and behavior (i.e., my dancing) consistent with my thoughts. When we get down on ourselves, it becomes very difficult to perform well. How can we expect our bodies to outperform what we expect of ourselves??? The trick is to make this work for you, not against you. Much easier said than done, but I am working on it!

(Related sidenote: Another co-worker just walked over and said, "Hey Ellen, how are you?" Without even thinking, I said, "Pretty good, how are you?" And I do feel a little better now, so maybe it does work!)

Try this (I know it sounds lame, but just do it...it only takes 5 seconds...):

List (yes...actually write them down) 3 things that you did well today. Some days (ahem...like today...) this is harder than others, but something this simple can be your start (or your re-start, in my case...admittedly, I have been slacking on my mental training a bit). Do this after every class or after every rehearsal or after every day or after every (fill in the blank). Start recognizing and focusing on your successes, and your performance will start to meet your mind's expectations.  

Jason Selk's book 10-Minute Toughness is a great resource to help you develop a concrete/simple plan to make this work for you. I recieved a very touching letter from someone who bought this book based on another blog entry, and it made a huge impact on her. I thought it would be worth mentioning again in case it might reach someone else.

Good, better...and that's it.

Just when I am feeling like the best dancer in the world by Friday, Monday (and Tuesday, in some cases) always seems to roll around to smack me in the face. I think it is important to get smacked in the face every once in a while, though. The wise voice of Paula David, artistic director of StLDT says, "Good dancing is hard!" Sometimes it is easy to forget this because I am surrounded by so many beautiful people that make it look so easy, but the struggle is the best part (sometimes it is easy to forget that, too). I love the blood, sweat, and tears (I think people often say this figuratively, but dancers really mean it) that come together to produce a better product than the day before (usually). Inch by inch we work our way to "better," and it is so rewarding when "better" gets there. Well, I should say that it is rewarding for about 5 minutes, until you move on to attain a better "better." But that 5 minutes really is worth it!  "Best" does not exist. I don't know why we were ever taught "good, better, best." But the fact that best doesn't exist is such a great aspect of life. There will always be a "better". Can you imagine if you ever actually got to "best"? What would you do from there? That would be miserable.

During the "ologist" part of my day yesterday, I sat in on a discussion about the roles of science and religion, and whether science could ever catch up to completely take over the "need for" religion to explain things in the universe. It was brought up that even in science, answering one question opens twelve new questions to be answered. God was pretty smart when He designed the universe. He definitely gave us plenty to do. Whether you are uncovering the secrets of the universe or trying to increase your turnout during tendus, there is always more to do.   

My fellow StLDT dancer, Dustin, just wrote something in his blog that really stuck with me and reminded me why I do what I do. He says (after describing a dream he had about improving his dancing), "I will dream about pirouettes, left splits, and MUCH more for you."

At the end of the day, we do this for you. It is easy to get wrapped up in "why can't my leg go as high as hers," or "why can't I jump as high as him," or "why can't I turn as well as her," when really this isn't about me. It is about you, and giving to you on stage. Don't worry, I promise to still work my butt off to get my leg up as high as hers, and jump as high as him, and turn as well as her, but I also promise to keep you in mind and not let myself drag me down. I promise to keep working toward a better "better" for you and to love every second of it (~inspired by Dustin).

Oh, and here is a picture of my dog because I felt that this post could use a picture...and she's really cute. 

Me with Louise Marie Hinkel-Reed

What is this salty discharge? Is this crying?



A Seinfeld line is always appropriate...



This has actually become quite the problem for me. I keep spontaneously tearing up. I have always been rather emotional, but this is getting out of hand! I am literally so happy that I can't stop crying. This seems a little backwards, but I actually cry more when I am happy than when I am sad. So if you ever see me NOT crying, then you should be worried.

It all started in jazz class at StLDT when we were stretching to great music in a great space surrounded by great people. I became so overwhelmed with happiness that I started crying. And not just a light mist, but buckets of tears running down my face! And not just then...sometimes I mist up on my way to class in the morning, sometimes after I have a great class, sometimes when I think about how amazingly supportive my husband is, sometimes when I read StLDT's newsletter, sometimes when I see the smiling/excited faces of my directors and fellow dancers, sometimes when I write blog entries about how I can't stop crying-PULL IT TOGETHER, ELLEN!!! OK, I'm back.This can be slightly embarrassing, but I feel so lucky to have so much to cry about. Thank you, thank you, thank you to whichever "you" you might be. There are a million of "you", and I love you all!    

Thank God for hair gel...

I sometimes try to say "Thank goodness" instead of "Thank God," but it just doesn't have quite the same effect. Plus, I think it is OK if you really mean it. In this case, I really mean it. Thank God for hair gel! No matter how I feel in the morning, slicking on a dime-sized dollop (and on really dishevelled days, a quarter-sized dollop) makes me feel instantly put together. It's like a shot of adrenaline. I feel ready and excited to dance. Patrick even uses it before he goes to work. I will never be one of those dancers who can roll right out of bed and come to class in a ratty t-shirt with my hair all out of sorts. I've tried this before because sometimes I think those dancers look really cool, but it just doesn't work for me. A few weeks ago, my trainer gave me such a hard workout before class that I didn't even have the energy to change into a leotard or slick my hair before barre. Everyone looked at me like I must be about to keel over because that is just so out of character for me. I think they were genuinely concerned! Don't worry, I whipped out the Dep in between barre and center, so all was right with the world again. My Dep really helps me through those long, exhausting days. It is like a reset button on my energy level. As I am writing this, I am realizing how ridiculous it sounds...

I am also going to have to give an honorable mention to my minty lip gloss. This is step number 2 of operation "Ellen Feeling Put Together." ...................................................................................... (Sorry, I was having writers block so I needed to pause for a lip gloss application)...........................................................The moral of the story is that if you see me whip out my beauty products in between classes, try not to judge me as being vain. I probably just needed a little pick-me-up.